I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school