I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.