I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots