I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.