I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Siri, fight Alexa.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.