I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.