I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
broke down and did it