@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

You Might Also Like

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@QwertyJones3

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@craiguito

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@tastefactory

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

@skullpuppy11

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

@osoplain

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

@ElenaChainHelp1

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.