I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
6: are snakes just neck?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
You wish you had this many chins.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.