@qwertygirl The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
@RobertPunchur I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
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@qwertygirl 
@OldMemeArchive 
@QwertyJones3 HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
@Hormonella If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
@craiguito I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
@david8hughes [first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
@tastefactory BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
@skullpuppy11 Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
@osoplain I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
@ElenaChainHelp1 “If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.