I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there