i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Not today, today.
Not today.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
what day is it?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably