I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls