I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Natty or not?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.