I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
sleeping beauty
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks