I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
That de-escalated quickly
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Anarchy
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.