I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
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Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.