I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
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[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
#MeanwhileInCanada
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.