I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
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Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’