I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”