I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy