“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
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[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.