@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

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@FatherWithTwins

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

@staticmess

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@Reverend_Scott

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

@OllyiConic

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@slimmy_shady

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

@MaraWilson

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.