I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

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I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.


My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?


Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.


Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him


Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.


Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it


I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.


Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.