I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
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Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
How do you milk an almond?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Don’t we all.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game