@loribuckmajor Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
@PhilLaysheO I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
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@loribuckmajor 
@HMittelmark I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
@AlexvanBeek When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
@kelkulus My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
@JElvisWeinstein “It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
@iamledgin Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
@DadInUtah Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
@Jazzzzzmina How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
@KarenKilgariff When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
@PDLComics boat question
