Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.