I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.