I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
You Might Also Like
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*