I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
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It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
the last thing a carrot sees
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
<—- homeless romantic
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.