I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come