I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You Might Also Like
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Just grow your own
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.