I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.