I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
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Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.