I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
You Might Also Like
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
They’re called werewolves.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Florida man
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”