@Reverend_Scott I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
@causticbob I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@visionbored2 him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
@GrantTanaka Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
@aotakeo ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
@cravin4 Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
@Michael1979 Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
@GlennyRodge “ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
@JefeJK47 I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
@bewgtweets Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
@Elizasoul80 My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”