I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

You Might Also Like


I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.


him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes


Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid


ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day


Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth


Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one


*types ‘snowflake’*
*types ‘snowflake’*


I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*


Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”