@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

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@Reverend_Scott

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

@visionbored2

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

@GrantTanaka

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

@aotakeo

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

@cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

@Michael1979

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

@JefeJK47

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@bewgtweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”