I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME