I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells