I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.