I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.


*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*


Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.


Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name


I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.


Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*