I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Noted.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!