I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
The honesty is refreshing
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low