I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
What do you hear?
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in