@ckretmsage

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

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@Bob_Heller

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@carlyken

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

@ghostkrogh

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

@murrman5

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

@deephora_

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

@Fred_Delicious

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

@JessObsess

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.