i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I saw this ending much differently.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
marvel comics have peaked