I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know