I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
A game married people play.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?