I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Saturday
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run