Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Dead sexy!!

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress