Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.