I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.