I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now