I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My dad teaching me to drive
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.