I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My patience has stretch marks.