I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that