I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
This is sending me to another galaxy