I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
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Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?