I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
You Might Also Like
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
That’s not how days work.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.