I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
2023 was just a warmup
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
LOL!
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”