I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
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Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.