I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Unexpected Judgment
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.